By GIO HOLDEN DAGOOC
They told me to have fun and start thinking positive, so I did. But I knew faking smiles was never enough to hide the pain.
They told me to be grateful for the little things I have, so I did. But I felt that the world around me didn’t feel grateful to have me.
They told me that it was all in my head, so I thought so too. But every night I went to bed knowing that I wasn’t just imagining things.
They told me that I was just looking for attention, so I felt bad about myself. I felt like I had no right to ask for help from others because I’d be a bother to them.
They told me they’re willing to hear my thoughts, but they only heard me, they never listened. The worst part was that I knew that some of them were even talking about me behind my back.
They told me I’ll get over it, but I didn’t. I wished I would, I wish I could, but not all wishes come true.
They told me praying helps, so I prayed and prayed. I prayed to any god who was willing to help me, but sometimes praying isn’t enough. Besides, I’m wicked and I was told that the wicked shall not go unpunished. Everyday I felt like God was punishing me.
They told me to just be happy, so I tried—I really did, but I knew how I truly felt.
I felt many things.
I wasn’t just sad. I was miserable.
I wasn’t just lonely. I had no one, not even myself.
I wasn’t just mistreated. I was used and abused.
I wasn’t just misunderstood. I was judged.
I wasn’t just misplaced. I was lost.
I wasn’t just anxious. I was unable to control my overthinking.
I wasn’t just tired. I was weak as well.
I wasn’t just mistaken. My right deeds were just overlooked.
I wasn’t just unheard. I was voiceless.
I wasn’t just ignored. I was invisible.
I wasn’t just scared. I was terrified.
I felt many things, then nothing.
I felt empty, like a spec of dust wondering why it had to be born. Heck, I felt lower and smaller than the specs of dust beneath my feet.
I wanted to know the reason why I felt this way, but I couldn’t find the answer.
I just wanted to be happy, I wanted to belong.
I wanted to end the pain, but I felt like I don’t deserve to feel those things.
I was running out of options.
Then, I thought the world wouldn’t mind losing me, so the world did.
Holden Dagooc is a frustrated amateur writer who loves to read books, watch and write movie reviews. He’s a proud feminist and considers himself a paragon of what it means to be a Scorpio. His all time favorite book is “The Catcher in the Rye” and he tells everyone that his real surname is Caulfield.