I need to stop myself from wanting you

By LADY FRITZ LITANG

I have to.

I need to at least save myself from the greater heartbreak you will one day cause me. Because it’s highly imminent. It’s apparent. You’ve made it clear with all your inconsistencies.

It’s not me overthinking things. It’s me finally realizing that you are no longer interested in me same way as you did at first.

I remember the first time we’ve hung out. I was mum with anxiety and you broke the ice by asking me what my preferred music genre was. From that day on, I never stepped into your car without an acoustic music playing. You think I didn’t notice you skip some of your daily activities just so you can accommodate meeting me? It meant the world to me that time. You haven’t seen me blush as I looked away when I saw those candle lights you prepared on one of those dates. Neither have you noticed me smiling from ear to ear with each stolen hair kisses and simple hugs. How you both pissed me off and made my heart flutter with those stolen shots during my off-guarded moments. My mind screams about all the possible things we can turn into each time we sit there in silence just staring at the sea and sky.

Yes, it’s the small things you did that I appreciate the most. I’ve dwelt on those days and I shouldn’t have because those things were supposed to be constantly recurring. It should have not stopped the moment I started reciprocating what I thought were lasting feelings.

You have gone inconsistent and complacent thinking you’ve already got me smitten and the sad thing is, I’ve allowed you to do so.

I reason out every time I don’t hear from you for days, telling myself you are just busy. And when I do hear from you, I slowly lose my worth each time I excuse you of your acts because I’d rather carry along a good conversation rather than create a misunderstanding, afraid I’ll not talk to you ever again.

I’ve tried understanding our differences, playing things cool, mastering the art of when to communicate first and when to stop so as not to appear needy. I pull back and space out just so I can play this game with you but I realize this actually isn’t going anywhere.

It’s exhausting to even replay all those moments we shared and wonder if they will happen again. It will not. I can only thank you for the sweet memories as I’ve finally decided to cut the chase.

I’m done excusing you. I’ve ran out of reasons to console my wounded inhibitions and I have to get a grip of myself before I totally lose it to you.

I made proper utilization of the time you spared me when you were acting busy and justified that if you truly want me, you’ll not keep me guessing of what I truly am to you.

I know what I want and I have better respect for myself than feeling that I’ll never be enough for someone.

I hope you don’t waste much of your time breaking hearts just so you can decide what it is that you truly want.


AUTHOR’S BIO

picsart_10-25-11-1625524665.pngLady Fritz Litang is a writer stuck in the body of someone who helps save people’s lives. You may also check Fritz out at www.missladyfritz.wordpress.com

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