By IAN PALOMARES
I used to look at you like a blind man seeing the sun for the very first time. It’s a moment in my life wherein I was sketching wonderful details that cannot be photographed and can only be taken by the memory.
I took a dive into your soul to remark the woebegone shattered pieces that lie beneath your radiance. You reminded me that it isn’t the roses that have thorns but sometimes, it’s the thorns that have roses.
I was a candle in masquerade floating on your crestfallen ocean. At that moment, I was struggling to keep my fire and light whilst carrying you like a fragile diamond and an ignitable bejewel.
I thought I could be the moon you were expecting to illuminate the abyss eternally, but turns out I was just a mere tiny candle that burned itself and got lost in the labyrinth of your deep sea.
Here I am, hiding the burns I got from trying to fix a person who wasn’t prepared to be repaired. Since then, my soul separated and never came back to where it was before. I accepted my fate for I only had you, so merry that you eased the whispers of my anxiety and the sounds of melancholy. I started to believe again. I got my hopes up. And then got disappointed.
But I started to believe again. That was a cycle we had that I will not forget. So merry then, that I have to slip away our hands from each other for I couldn’t handle you in a state wherein I couldn’t handle the shadows devouring me, wherein I couldn’t handle myself. That’s the thing I never told you for I realized I was not enough. You deserve a complete and a happy man.
I began to believe that I was in a battle and realized that I had to fight. But in all God’s heaven and angels, the last thing a man expects from the only person on earth he trusted is to laugh at his depression. Yes you did, the only person who knew. I never expected you to see the process of redeeming myself as a joke.
I was quiet but I was not blind. I seek for all patience and mercy and wished it would be granted. But there was none. I carved stones between heaven and earth, promised to never lift a finger if ever anger grows in my heart. All the black dogs’ shadows muttered through the unmerciful ears of mine to force a sin of revenge. The revenge I thought that could surmount our pains. Yet on the end of the line, I took all the culpability.
I may look like I have a strong semblance but I lived in a solitary dwelling of silence while hearing all of you and your friends’ wrecking balls. I accepted my fate for you are a woman clothed with dignity. I can’t lose the respect I have for you and your family just like how I have lost myself.
I want to tell you that I am sorry for being both your umbrella and rain.
After this, I am not expecting anything from you. Throw all the paintings I gave you because months or maybe years from now, this won’t matter anymore. I want you to close my book and open a new one and turn the next page for another chapter. As I continue saving myself, I pray that you continue reading under the moonlight, and not just with a tiny candlelight.
Ian Palomares is an Engineering student from the University of San Carlos. He is an art and music enthusiast who wants to explore and embrace writing as another form of self-expression.